He’s been shopping like a man thrilled to be embarking on an all-new adventure. Nearly every day brings an influx of more brown-wrapped packages from UPS or bags from the store.
And who could blame him? Doesn’t everyone ensnared in life, work, houses, debt, children and the thousand other concerns of daily life at least occasionally dream of putting it all aside and starting afresh? Even if “afresh” only means a sterile bare apartment across town?
Recently he burst through the door after work bearing another clutch of bags from Target. I could see housewares and cooking utensils poking through the thin white plastic. I smiled at him and pointed out (kindly, really, I swear) that he must be looking forward to setting up his own place.
Instantly the smile dropped off his face. “No, I’m not looking forward to it,” he snapped. “Why would I be?”
I’ve learned with this man (and perhaps if I were wise I’d let this lesson apply to all my acquaintances) that words don’t matter. I cannot expect the words which come out of his mouth to bear any resemblance to the truth.
Ever.
A tiny part of me hoped that when I told him I was done with marriage, back in the first days of the new year, he’d snap into shape. I wanted him to realize–finally!–the gravity of the situation and take appropriate action.
You could make the case that I was engaging in the marital version of brinksmanship.
You could also make the case that I drug my heels terribly in completing the divorce paperwork, again hoping for some sign of life out of him. I wanted him to beg me not to file. I wanted reason not to file.
He told me repeatedly that he didn’t want us to get divorced, but never in any of his actions did I see evidence that he wasn’t just as anxious as me to end this ridiculous marriage.
I waited for him to give me reason not to file, and he went shopping. And that tells me all I ever needed to know.
A terrible tale, but fear does that to some people. It freezes them right there in the headlights where brave people like yourself can barrel down the road with their hair on fire and run right over them.
You might call it marital roadkill.
Unfortunately not everybody values or can even handle honesty. You asking him directly freaked him out and the “automatic” answer came out. Because admitting he was looking forward to leaving out loud is something he can’t do.
It always seems wierd to me as well because I can always see so CLEARLY how much of a lie it is… and I always wonder, do they even know they’re lying at the time?
Truth isn’t that scary, says me. However in this society the clever lie is valued much more than truth. It’s much more accepted to “cheat” on your partner, than live a non-monogamous lifestyle and be honest about it. Sometimes it makes me wonder what direction this society is going… just out of curiosity that is, cuz I never go with that flow!!
I’m happy for you…
I’m sorry. No matter how right the decision is, sometimes it’s just gonna hurt. My hope is that it doesn’t hurt too often. Hang in there.
As opposed to the bags and boxes with sex toys you get. How do you get those, anyway? Do you have a PO Box at a Mailboxes Inc or a similar place to avoid questions?
BTW, you may want to resize the image. Right now it’s at its 3000 x 2400 glory.
*nods* I was glad to see the shopping. Meant he’d finally accepted that I wasn’t kidding.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Repeat after me “He doesn’t deserve me – and never will”
There, that feels better doesn’t it?
Relationships can survive infidelity–or even thrive on their openness. But they cannot survive lying and deception. You need to be completely comfortable with your partner to achieve sexual release and satisfaction. Obviously, whatever this man’s sexual hangups may be, he’s long since lost your trust. And without that, you would be doomed to be forever frustrated and depressed if you stayed with him.
Uhm, you probably didn’t mean to use a 3.7MB 3000×2400 image as an HTML-resized thumbnail…
Jason,
Really? In both IE and Firefox, logged in and not, I’m seeing it taking up about half the main column.
Anyone else having troubles with this?
Hi AAG,
Here’s something for your intellectual side– economists talk about the difference between stated choice and elected choice.
Elected choice is what matters. But stated choice confuses the hell out of the airwaves.
XOXO
Chuck
there comes a time when the mother bear has to run the old cubs away so that she can focus on the babies.
O_o
To say “I don’t get him” is a bit of an understatement.
AAG,
Works fine for me on my MAC (Firefox) and my Lenovo (IE 7). As for your day’s entry, I am guessing that he is just feeling sorry for himself. He needs to “get a grip” and just start dealing with the reality of the situation. You on the other hand, based on your writings, seem to have mastered the actuality of life. You appear to have successfully intertwined your fantasy and your reality. Much goodness to you, you deserve it.
Pete
w00t, I got the favicon working.
(plz excuse me while I celebrate)
Good Thursday morning AAG,
It is sad indeed when what a man says bears no resmeblance to the truth… Painful, confusing, disillusioning, heartbreaking, enervating.
Actions DO say everything…
I think in order for things to be healthy, it needs to be in conjunction with words, meaning every version is reliable… Then love – or friendship – has a genuine chance of growing, lasting and being safe.
Ideally… sigh.
I will never understand why some people don’t get it that their lies are LIES… Do they think that they won’t get caught/have to take responsibility for facing the FACTS ???
I have a neighbor whose version of reality has little or nothing to do with the facts. She figures if she says it, it doesn’t matter if it bears any resemblance to the truth.
Without her being in a courtroom being grilled by a lawyer, she gets to continue her crap, which messes up anyone innocent or gullible enough to be fooled…
It is a shame that it takes a long time to figure out if someone is for real…
Makes you cynical to think that in a conversation, you think ‘prove it’, the minute someone says something…
People like that are crazy-making… I’m sorry that he can still hurt you…
Ch** ! where is spell check when I need it !!! ‘resemblance’
I just went through a break up myself and I was doing the same thing, hoping to see a change in him. Hoping that he would do something that would make me stay. But at the same time, I was also hoping he wouldn’t because I knew in the long run, he still wouldn’t make me happy. Good luck.
About 3 years ago I met the woman who I hope to marry in the none to distant future. In doing so, in learning that I could be happy again, could love and be loved, could experience real intimacy again. I let go of the +16 year marriage.
The divorce totally sucked. It still does. My 16 year old will not speak to me, much less see me.
Yet I am so very happy. I believe I deserve to be happy. I am able to see that I am myself now more than I was in the last part of the marriage.
I wish to say-I hope you find what you are looking for and hang on to it.
Let him go! He must have some good points but the two of you don’t appear compatible.
After reading some of your posts you are an amazing lady and shouldn’t keep yourself down. Any lady who can handle a few young ones and find time for the fun that you do (orgy and 3some in a week???) ….well he obviously didn’t appreciate your efforts.
And with your special interests….think of the possibilities – Visit Celebrity Buttplugs at: http://www.celebritybuttplugs.com
Ahem. Just to be entirely clear, I did not attend an orgy and a threesome in the space of one week.
:)
Yet.
as always, actions speak louder than words. I know that all too well; I can swear up and down to my girlfriend that I’ll change something deleterious that I’m doing, but until I actually show a marked change in behaviour, my rhetoric means nothing. I think that’s a hard lesson to learn, and I hope he does so in the future.
PS: I so enjoy your new home here. Would that I could make my own blog look half as nice! Many congratulations on the move. I suppose it’s sort of symbolic in a way as well, since you have your own little corner to yourself in the house too.
Greyor–It’s all a template! Look at the bottom of this page and you’ll find the name of the template and a link to it.
:)
You’re projecting. Only a woman would assume that shopping == fun. For most men, myself included, shopping is a huge PITA.
Men only shop when they have to. It’s not recreation, it’s work. Didn’t you say you were buying his underwear up until very recently? There’s all the evidence you need.
He probably considers this whole housewares-shopping endeavour an enormous, stressful hassle, something he wishes he still had a wife to do for him, so he didn’t have to deal with it. His answer seems totally honest to me.
Now, living out on his own, away from STBX and kids… yeah, he probably is looking forward to that. But it’s no picnic, and he’s going to find that out soon enough. Boy’s gonna grow up some, I expect. But he’ll still be himself– and not the kind of guy you’ll want anything to do with.
All told, you’ll both be happier apart. And I totally understand the game of chicken thing too. Just let go of him. Enjoy.
DB–I’m so not girlie in that regard. I abhor shopping. :)