A Brief Rant on Condom Usage

“Have you ever had a man clean you up after coming inside you?” he asked on our first coffee date.

“What, do you mean by going down on me?” I asked, somewhat confused by his phrasing. Given the look in his eyes, I didn’t think he meant with a washcloth.

“Exactly. Have you ever done that?” He was looking at me like a starving dog might look at a hot-dog vendor.

I had to sit back and think about it, as I wanted to give an honest answer. I didn’t have to think for long. “The only man who has ever come inside of me without protection was my soon-to-be ex, and he would’ve sooner ingested nuclear waste than his own semen, especially if he had to taste it from my body.”

I hadn’t realized until then that there had only been one.

“Well, I hope soon you’ll trust me enough to let me do that to you,” he smarmily said.

Shaking my head and smiling, I answered, “Baby, I always use condoms. I don’t make exceptions. I never don’t use condoms. You have to use a condom if you are with me.” Being with him was by no means certain at this point, you understand, but I’ve found that it’s best to discuss condoms as soon as is reasonably possible.

“You gotta trust me.” He whined slightly now. “I’m very picky about who I take to bed. I don’t sleep with just anybody. Look at me. Don’t I look clean? You certainly look clean to me!”

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you how many times I’ve endured variations on the above conversation. If I gave you a number, you’d probably all ask me the same thing a certain “anonymous” commenter has been asking: “Would you stop being such a whore all the time??”

Every time a man asks me to forgo the condom, a thin film of red comes over my vision. The answer I give depends on my mood and my estimation of his intelligence. No matter how I choose to respond, I find myself fighting to hold back indignation.

Why is there an assumption that only I’d have to worry about my health? Has the possibility not crossed their minds that perhaps I’ve had a number of partners too? Quite possibly even more than they’ve had? Have they considered that even though I “look clean” I could be carrying something?

To the very best of my knowledge I am not, but that’s not the point. The point is that they have no way of knowing how “clean” I am. I could be a liar. I could be trying to pass something along. Or I could simply be unaware that I’m host to some microscopic beastie lurking in my sensitive bits.

I’m indignant because I wonder how stupid these men think I am. Do they think I’m 15? In high school? A virgin? Do they think I’m unaware of STDs? Do they think I don’t know about safer sex? Do they see a look of rosy naivete on my face?

I’m indignant when I wonder if these men haven’t heard of birth control failure. Even sterilization sometimes fails. Haven’t they considered that without a condom, they could conceive a child with me–a child they’d be forced to help support for the next couple of decades? Don’t they think of that?

Does it even cross their minds that I could be using them to get pregnant? That I could tell them I’m sterile when actually I’ve got the fertility of a healthy bunny? I’m not, of course. I’ve seen photographic evidence of my own sterility; even if I hadn’t, the last thing I need is another small person to raise.

But how about his next partner? Will she tell him that she’s infertile when she’s not? Will the pill (or IUD or cap or whatever) fail?

And what about his last partner? Did she “look clean” to him when really she wasn’t?

I suppose the easy answer is that we all at times think with organs not located in our craniums. I find this answer unsatisfying. I suppose some might encourage me to feel flattered that these men seem to think so highly of my “cleanliness” that they’d entrust their unprotected penises to me.

Frankly, I’m far more impressed when a partner demonstrates just as much (or more!) caution as I do.