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There is so much lately that I’m not talking about.
I’m trying to be here, to nurture this small place, while keeping my big flappy mouth shut about what is closest to my heart, the thing that is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night.
This place suffers for my reluctance to speak openly. But it seems to be for the best.
My choices are these: I could carry on with what must be done. Or I could drop every last bit of the private life I’ve lived for the past two and a half years. There is no longer a middle ground. I’ve existed in the middle for far too long as it is. It’s no place to live. In the past year I’ve verged far closer to the latter choice; I know without a bit of doubt that it will not work for me. I am not that person.
When I consider what must be done–and soon–the small voice in the back of my mind does not beg me to wait. It does not suggest patience, as it did for so very very long. It does not ask that I alter my plans. It counsels calmness, and strength, and the swift execution of what I’ve lingered far too long in considering.
A year ago, on New Year’s Eve, I said I’d not spend another year like the previous one. And yet, because of the unexpected arrival of a new person into my little dysfunctional family, I did indeed spend another year that was far worse than the previous one. But this year…this year is it.
Will you guys please queue up to kick me in the ass if the end of 2007 finds me having not made the necessary changes? You will? Good.
You won’t need to. I’m ready.
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