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The seeds of breakup are planted at a relationship’s inception. ******
The thought of breaking up weighs heavily on my heart right now. I’m thinking of my own impending severance in light my past experiences.
Here are a few things I know for sure.
From the very start of a relationship, you will have to make some decisions about what you give to your partner. Gifts, for example. If you make a gift to your lover, you must present it with no expectation of ever having it reciprocated, or returned.
That was easy enough, right?
But let’s think about it a little more. You will also give gifts that are not quite so concrete in nature. Photos, for example, which can be sent streaming along through the internets and arrive at their destination in fractions of seconds. If you send your lover a photo, you will not get it back. It becomes the belonging of your lover. He may do with it what he will.
Will he treasure it? Put it in a frame? Lovingly place it into an album? Perhaps. But somewhere down the line he might print it out and masturbate over it (someone did this with one of my pictures once; I was briefly horrified and then laughingly delighted). He might post it on the internet. He might share it with his friends.
Are you willing for these things to happen to your photos? No? Then don’t share them.
Do you want to share your photos? Yes? Then be prepared for anything to happen to them once they are out of your possession. Out of your possession–out of your control. Make the choice and then step away.
Let’s now say that you and your lover eventually wind up in the bedroom. You must also give your body with no expectation of getting anything in return. It may be that you have rockin’ sex or it may be that you fail to connect. Or it may be that you begin with rockin’ sex that soon fizzles into flatness.
Disappointing, yes.
Even worse might be if YOU thought the sex was rockin’ and your lover thought the sex was mediocre. That’s enough to blow anyone’s confidence. If he tells you that, you’ll want to murder him. It’s far more likely that he’ll not tell you, which is a kindness and a torment in equal parts.
Should you be angry? Should you tell all your mutual friends what a weasel he is and what a weasel-sized penis he has? It could bring some brief satisfaction, but I must advise you against it.
We are all allowed to have preferences when it comes to making love. You have a preference for long hair; I have a preference for smooth balls; he has a preference for tiny waists, someone else has a preference for hairy ladies who sing opera. It’s not about you. It’s about your partner’s preference. It might feel like it is about you, but it is not.
It’s rarely, if ever, about you.
It would be lovely if every partner considering a breakup would sit down with you like a mature adult and discuss his feelings openly. This might happen. Or it might happen that he merely fades away. He’s busy. He’s working late. He’s got other commitments. We’re all grown-ups here. We know the routine.
I hereby propose a two-call rule. If you contact your partner twice without your contact being reciprocated…it’s time to move on. Don’t keep calling. Don’t keep emailing. Just. Don’t. Let it go. If he wants to find you, he will…and then you have a decision to make about how to respond. But don’t keep on pushing for contact that is clearly not wanted.
Even if you are angry. Even if you have stuff to say. Even if you feel like he must know your feelings. These are not excuses to keep initiating contact. These are things that you vent to your friends or to your therapist. He doesn’t want to know; he doesn’t need to know. Don’t try to force your angst on him.
If you decide to ignore my suggestions, here’s what could happen. You want to talk trash about your relationship to your mutual friends? You will look like a child who has lost her favorite toy. People may act sympathetic, but they will lose respect for you because you did not have the sense to keep things private. Harsh but true. I’ve made this mistake.*
If you choose to throw a fit about pictures or gifts or other presents that you gave of your own free will? You will look like even more of a sore loser. Do you feel your trust was breached? Yes? Take responsibility for that and do differently next time. You made the choice. You face the consequences of your decision.
If you choose to keep emailing, calling, writing, driving past his house? You will look like a stalker. Someone may send you this video, courtesy of Tragic’s site. Go watch it. Do you feel even this tiniest twinge of recognition? Perhaps you should examine your actions.
Thinking of getting revenge on your former lover? Fantasize at length, discuss it with your friends, write in your journal, create a screen-play, but do not bring your fantasies into the light of reality. Your revenge will come back on you. Best to take the high road and walk away without anger, without judgment, without hatred.
If I leave, will I be able to do so without anger and judgment and hatred? That is the goal.
******
*I propose one caveat to this rule: If you honestly believe that your ex’s current or future partner is in danger from him. Sure, you can make shit up, but the truth almost always comes out. Exercise this caveat with extreme caution.
******
situation in mind. It was based wholly on my own
experiences and the mistakes I myself have
personally made.
Even though it was written as though the man had chosen
to end the relationship, it applies also
to situations where the woman calls it quits.
